| |
| |
|
infoaboutrelationships.com
|
|
|
|
Can This Relationship Be Helped?
I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship? Since two people always get together at their common level of woundedness, here is what I say to the partner who has sought my help: "As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, there are things for you to learn. Each partner contributes their 100% to the relationship. While it is often easy to see what your partner is doing that is harmful to the relationship, it is often difficult to see what you are doing. Yet until you learn about your part in this relationship system, you will take your own dysfunctional behavior with you into another relationship. It's generally a waste of time - unless there is physical abuse - to leave a relationship before healing your own end of the system. The time to leave is when you have learned to make yourself happy regardless of what your mate is doing. When you learn to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and if your partner is still behaving in ways that are unacceptable to you, then it's time to leave. You need to discover how to respond to your partner in ways that are loving to yourself and that support your own joy and highest good." When the partner who is available to counseling does his or her inner work, one of two things happen. Either the other partner likes what is happening and becomes more open, or the relationship becomes more distant and difficult. I tell my clients that it is a 50-50 deal - half the time things get better and half the time they get worse. They need to be okay with either outcome. If fact, I encourage them to let go of the outcome and just be in the process of learning how to take loving care of themselves. Let's take some examples. Craig is unhappy in his marriage because his wife, Gloria, is often angry and judgmental toward him. Craig sees himself as the victim of Gloria's unloving behavior, blaming her for his unhappiness. However, Craig is a equal part of the relationship system. He generally reacts to Gloria's anger with compliance, giving himself up in his covert attempt to control Gloria's anger. He believes that being a "nice guy" will control her feelings and behavior. So, while Gloria is attempting to overtly control Craig, Craig is attempting to covertly control Gloria. Until Craig starts to speak his truth rather than give himself up as his form of control, he will feel resentful and distant with Gloria. If he has the courage to take loving care of himself by speaking his total truth without blame or judgment, and take loving action for himself based on his truth, then either things will get better or they will get worse. The only way Craig will be able to be honest and take care of himself is if he is willing to lose Gloria rather than continue to lose himself. Marilyn is married to Martin, a non-abusive functioning alcoholic. The problem for Marilyn is that when Martin drinks, which is every night, he completely disconnects from her and she feel very lonely with him. She's tried in many ways to get Martin to connect to her, but nothing has worked. Most nights, Marilyn just watches TV, feeling sad and alone. Until Marilyn decides to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy, nothing will change. If she decides to take classes, get together with friends, join a support group or go to Alanon, she will no longer be a victim of Martin's decision to withdraw through alcohol. If Marilyn continues to take care of herself over a time - six months to a year - and nothing changes, then she can decide to leave. Or, she can decide to stay and just continue making herself happy. The possibility also exist that when Marilyn stops pulling on Martin to make her happy, he may decide to deal with himself rather than be left alone most of the time. Can this relationship be helped? Maybe. Do your own inner work and find out! About The Author Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
MORE RESOURCES:
Men With Facial Scars Are More Attractive To Women Seeking Short ... - Science Daily (press release)
Relationships - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
I Love You! The famous three words we never hear enough of in our life. Throughout our life span we keep looking, waiting and hoping for something to take us, or lead us, to our true love. What Is A Boundary In A Relationship? You might ask yourself, I have heard this word boundary, but I do not know what it means. Boundaries are often mentioned in terms of relationships. A Look at Interracial Relationships There's something about America, our history, our values or maybe the very contradictions of our society that can still make interracial relationships a lot more difficult than others. Most relationships deal with mostly internal pressures with perhaps a little added tension from family or friends. How to Survive Long Distance Relationships One of the great obstacles to maintaining a healthy relationship these days occurs when jobs or other situations put physical distance between the two partners. This ultimately leads to what is called a long distance relationship that neither party may have been prepared for in the beginning. True Love - Part 2 Okay, so why would one person feel strongly about the other and the other hardly misses a beat? In my last article, I said that one of the reasons is that the 'despised' one probably isn't the one in the first place. But let's leave the 'despiser' for now and focus on the 'despisee'. Cheating Wives and Cheating Husbands Give Different Reasons for Having Extramarital Affairs Infidelity studies indicate that the percentage of cheating wives is fast approaching the percentage of cheating husbands wives. But the studies also reveal that men and women who are cheating on their spouses give different reasons to justify their extramarital affairs. Long Distance Love Before the advent of the internet, long-distance relationships were rare. Most people met their mates in school, through a friend or neighbor, at a party or in a bar. Why Anger is Essential to Healthy Relationships Many of us have some very definite ideas about anger. We see anger as destructive and hurtful. Love Problems Often times when a couple gets married, things get pushed off, or ignored. Earlier in the marriage, the sight-seeing, honeymoon feeling, and those fancy restaurant dates tend to decline. How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 1 Subtitle - A Troll? What the **** is that and why shouldI give a hoot?First, let's get clear on our terms.For the purpose of this article, "Troll" has two meanings. How To Seduce A Woman The Right Way Gentlemen, if you really want to seduce a woman the right way, you have to make everything revolve around her. Everything!The seduction starts long before you get into bed together. Do You Enable? We all have behaviors, tendencies, patterns, and the keenability to recognize any and all of them. However, whenwe become so accustomed and engrossed in them, how dowe know we are enabling someone else's negativebehaviors?It can be sometimes difficult to come to this realization,because it is has been such a seemingly normal way of lifefor a designated period of time. Communicate through Body-language! Consider a person very important to you. He or she keeps on talking to the extent of boring you and make you feel like escaping from that place. The Narcissist and His Family We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires - a whole emotional baggage - from the former to the latter. Put Some Z.I.P. Into Your Relationships Relationships are really what makes the world go 'round, aren't they? Imean, good, positive, healthy and meaningful relationships provide us withthe richest experiences we have here on this old earth of ours. Your lovingspouse who shares everything with you; that best friend who connects withyou like few others do; the people at work who appreciate you and help youto become the best that you can be; This is what brings joy to life!But. Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO. How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 3 Liar, Liar! Pants On Fire!Today, you'll learn about 2 yellow-flag indications theperson on the other end of your online chat is possibly atroll (married, partnered or undesirable).. Here Come the Questions Why is it that even though I am not positive if I like a guy, because of course it's only been a week, that when he doesn't call for 3 days it becomes a dramatic incident, and all of a sudden its Fiona Apple time? There is no reason for him to not call; everything was fine last we spoke. With the time frame we are discussing here in the first place it shouldn't even phase me that a man decides to not call for 3 days, or possibly (gulp) never again. The Five Second Flirt Technique The first thing you want to do is to get into the line of sight of the man you are attracted to. When you catch his eye, you must give him the most inviting and receptive look you can manage, for three seconds? Count them. Ending Relationships Gracefully In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, "How do I end a relationship without hurting someone's feelings?" Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge.The problem arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn't want to be with them.
|
|
Home | Site Map| Link Partners Powered By: Free Google Adsense Websites! |
| © 2006 |
